Update from Friendly

I want to write, but I’m sad. You’d think that if I’m sad I should have plenty to write about, but really I write when I’m mad or I’m hopeless or tired- now I’m just confused. Of course it’s because of a dumb guy. 

I do this to myself, I suppose. I want to work on something, anything, but I just can’t. My mind keeps going back to him and what I did wrong. I know you don’t particularly care, but it sucks. This just plain sucks. Mainly, also, because my best friend and him have been talking too, and I told her that was okay. 

It’s not okay. 

I’m not okay. 

I want to want to give up. I want to want to be done. But I don’t want to give up, and I wan’t to keep going. I just want him to tell me what’s going on. I just want him to tell me how I can fix whatever this is. 

He asked me something regarding who knew “about what is going on between us”. No one. Not even me. 

I just want… I just want some sort of resolution. But I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon. 

Pirates

They dug into my sides-

pirates looking for value

that got angry when nothing was there.

Pirates get mad so easily

and their voices are so loud

and their words are hot tar.

They bark their orders

and I try to follow through

but only so many fingers

can reach down to give

them back their food.

They send me on my way

but only so many nights

can I give them salty oceans

so they can try to sail.

They fight with other armadas

but that entertainment doesn’t last

long enough to keep them

from fighting me.

The pirates rule my life

but at least this way someone is in control.

 

Failure is not an option.

I’m falling up.

It’s pushing me down,

closer and closer

to the sky.

 

The pressure is flooding

onto my shoulders:

my blood is thinning,

my shoulders are shaking.

Where is the straw?

I wish my back would break.

 

I’m screaming sideways.

It’s forcing me left,

nearer and nearer

to the edge.

 

I’m through with fighting

this relentless war:

my stores are empty,

my soul is drained.

Where is the bomb?

I wish they’d give me no option.

 

I’m sliding closer.

It’s pulling me in,

tighter and tighter

to the end.

 

I can’t stand here

in this too-hot jail:

my blood has run cold,

my tears have run hot.

I found my knife-

they can’t judge me if I’m dead.

So you want to run a marathon.

So you want to run a marathon.

You want to push

and cry

and puke

and win.

So you want to run a marathon.

You want the power

and pain

and ache

and joy.

So you want to run a marathon.

You want the camaraderie

and community

and group

and motivation.

So you want to run a marathon.

You want to wish

that you

had never

signed up at all.

But you want to run a marathon,

and you want to push through despite that.

 

I know. I’ve been MIA. Things have been… yeah.

***

Something about you

the way you tap along to songs on the radio

they way you blink when you get bored

the way you twirl your hair

Pulls me close

the smell of your wet hair

the worn t-shirts and ripped jeans

the quips you say under your breath

So I can love

the way you laugh with your loud soul

the willingness you have to forgive

the kiss of your lips,

You.

 

***

In case you were wondering what was going on in my life that is so yeah, basically I started talking to an old ex who then stared flirting with me and told me he liked me at the same time that someone else told me he likes me. Then my best guy friend and I have had this FWB relationship, and when we started it it sorta happened and when I asked him if he liked me he was like, no, and I was like, friendzone; he just told me he lied to me about that. Thankfully, the someone else that liked me has since dropped out of the running. I can’t take my best friend out of the friendzone- there’s simply no spark (and trust me, I’ve had it before)- and now I’ve definitely hurt him. And now I can’t talk to him about my old ex and what I should do, and I also can’t in good conscience date my ex because then it would hurt my best friend… Yeah.

On a better note, I came in second place for my committee and ODU Model United Nations Conference in Norfolk, VA! Yay me!

It shouldn’t be hard

I don’t know what’s going on.

“I want to be wanted” I say

And then they do.

And then they tell me they want what I want.

No! I want you to want me, not my happiness.

Isn’t that the same?

No.

They both say that.

One says that he likes me.

That he got scared last time, he wanted me too much.

No.

Just friends, just friends, you’d be happier if we were just friends.

No! I want you to want me, not my happiness.

Isn’t that the same?

No.

One says that he loves me.

That he’s not ashamed of me, that he wants to go public.

No.

Secrets, secrets, you’d be happier if we were just secrets.

No! I want you to want me, not my happiness.

Isn’t that the same?

No.

No. It’s not the same.

 

Question.

Answer.

Why can’t an answer stay the same from one moment to the next?

The sky is blue, sometimes.

Grass is green, sometimes.

Yes, yes, sometimes.

But grass doesn’t die in a day

and the sky doesn’t change without warning.

Make up your mind.

I want you to want me, regardless of what I want.

I want you to be sad when we don’t want the same things.

I want you to wish you had taken the leap.

He said he loved me, liked me.

Then I became his skeleton.

He said he loved me, liked me.

Then I became his mistress.

I want them to want me.

And if they want me to be happy,

it really shouldn’t be all that hard.

Friendly update!

Hey there,

So a few of my friends and I are working on creating a new reality web series that shows off our life in one of the hardest academic programs in the world (it’s honestly not that bad, I have Bs with curves). One of them even thinks we have a chance a little down the road of getting picked up by a bigger network, or at least the idea. Nothing is up yet, but our realistic goal is to have the first episode done by the end of February.

And I’ll have another poem up tomorrow.

-Friendly.

Am I Crazy?

Am I stupid?

Or am I just tired

because you kept me up all night?

Am I cold?

Or am I just empty

because you stole my heart and my kiss?

Am I dead?

Or am I just lonely

because you aren’t here with me right now?

Am I lying to myself?

Or am I just overreacting

because you didn’t call me afterwards?

Am I obsessive?

Or am I just caring

because I can’t stop thinking about you?

Am I crazy?

Or am I just in love

because you give me a purpose.

Revolt

Slip me the purple ones

or maybe the blue, 

I don’t particularly care.

 

Hide me under the stairs

or below the house,

I don’t particularly care.

 

Paint over my words

or chop off my hands,

I don’t particularly care.

 

Cut out my throat

or maybe my heart,

I don’t particularly care-

 

because my dreams will live on

and a new leader will rise

and he/she/we will teach you to share.

You’re the one who should care.

Hello again

Crowded streets

with empty noise,

and all the people

seem to sing,

we can do anything.

 

Do you recall

our last night in

when we sat

in dim and bright,

dreading the morning light?

 

Every time

I close my eyes

the world stops,

and I go back

before the crack.

 

Your choice words

and my choice kiss

tore us right open,

two crumpled parts

of a now shattered heart.

 

 

But now I know

you’re not alone

and somehow okay,

it makes me see

that I can be free.

 

***

So, if you’ve noticed I’ve been MIA, it’s because I’ve had Drivers’ Ed and midterms (which just got made optional :D). This was a little bit slap dash, but don’t worry, I’ve been writing in Drivers’ Ed, I just haven’t posted anything! So, see ya later!

-Friendly